RAW Conversations: How to have difficult conversations
By Sarah Bryson
How to have difficult conversations (without making it worse)
I don’t know about you, but whenever I need to have a difficult conversation, my heart sinks.
At first, I avoid it. Then I bargain with myself - well maybe this is not the right time, it’s not needed, I am being ‘silly’. Yet, no matter how much I bargain, the sinking feeling persists.
And so, my mind turns to the inevitable conclusion that, no, this matter will not rest and I will need to deal with it, head on.
Sometimes, I stumble into these conversations in a clumsy way - my mind becomes so fixated on just getting ‘it’ sorted that I dive in headfirst without a consideration for how I might go about it. Occasionally, this approach, by some miracle works and the issue is resolved.
However, more likely is that I actually cause more damage, or more confusion. The difficult conversation then becomes an all-out major issue, when, perhaps with more gentle handling, more prep, more structure, things could have turned out so differently.
The longer we avoid difficult conversations, the heavier they can become. What starts as a niggle can grow into resentment, confusion or conflict.
But over time, I’ve learned that difficult conversations don’t have to become difficult outcomes.
When I slow down, prepare, and use a structure, things tend to go much better.
One framework I return to again and again is the Seven Stage Model, developed by Oasis and used in many contexts over many years to help people navigate challenging conversations with more clarity, compassion and purpose.
I’d love to share it with you.
The seven stages are:
Contact
Contract
Clarification
Challenge
Choice
Change
Closure
Let’s explore each one using an example.
Imagine Suzy wants to speak to her colleague Helen about a recent recruitment meeting, where Suzy felt Helen was being obstructive and dismissive whenever she suggested ideas.
1. Contact
Contact is exactly what it sounds like: making connection. Before diving into the issue, take a moment to connect with the other person.
This might be as simple as:
“Hi, how are you today?”
And genuinely listening to the answer.
Use your emotional radar here:
How am I feeling?
How are they feeling?
Is now the right time?
Would another time be better?
Starting by building rapport helps calm both people and creates a more receptive space for conversation.
Top Tip: Many people rush straight into ‘the issue.’ But connection builds safety - and safety helps conversations go better.
Example
Suzy: Hi Helen, how are you today?
Helen: I’m okay thanks.
Suzy: Did you enjoy that TV programme you mentioned yesterday?
Helen: Oh yes, it was really good…
A simple connection helps enable what comes next. If you don’t have sufficient rapport, nothing really matters from here on.
2. Contract
This stage is about being clear about what you want to talk about.
‘Contract’ sounds formal, but really it just means naming the conversation, what we are here for.
Be simple and specific.
Example
Suzy: ‘Could we catch up in private for a few minutes?’
Helen: ‘Of course.’
Suzy: ‘I’d like to talk about the recruitment meeting earlier - specifically the conversation we had about attracting new applicants.’
This helps the other person get on the same page quickly, rather than making assumptions.
Top Tip: Specificity reduces confusion.
3. Clarification
Clarification is about naming the issue clearly and speaking from your own experience, avoiding, blame, hearsay or assumptions.
Instead of Suzy saying: ‘You were impossible in that meeting.’
She might try: ‘When I shared my ideas, I experienced some of your responses as negative or dismissive.’
This is also the stage where you listen.
What is their perspective?
What do you not yet know?
Sometimes one honest question reveals something unexpected - stress, grief, fear or misunderstanding. And in those moments, frustration can turn into compassion.
Example
Suzy: ‘When I was sharing ideas, I felt discouraged because it seemed like each one was dismissed very quickly.’
Helen might respond:
‘I’m sorry. I’d just had some difficult news from home and I wasn’t myself.’
Suddenly, the situation looks different.
Or she might say: ‘I genuinely didn’t think the ideas would work.’
Which opens a different conversation.
Helpful questions here include:
Tell me more about that…
What concerns you most?
What would you suggest instead?
Top Tip: Curiosity can unlock stuck conversations.
4. Challenge
Challenge is about getting unstuck.
By now, you’ve both shared your perspectives.
If something is still stuck and needs resolving, this is the stage to explore it honestly.
Ask:
What’s stopping us moving forward?
What do you need?
What do I need?
Take one issue at a time.
Some things may already be resolved. Focus on what remains.
Example
Suzy: ‘I understand your concerns, but we do need to move this forward. What do you think is getting in the way?’
Helen: ‘I just don’t think we’ve found the right approach yet.’
Now the conversation has shifted from blame to problem-solving. Something has been released.
When people have felt stuck, they often can’t see alternatives to what is blocking them. Challenge opens perspectives. That generates energy, and that leads into choosing.
5. Choice
We have the energy to generate possibilities - even wild ones. The goal is to move beyond either/or thinking and create options.
Example
Suzy and Helen generate ideas together:
a team ‘ideas generation’ session
asking another department for input
reviewing previous successful campaigns
testing ideas on a small scale
Once ideas are on the table, evaluate them.
Consider:
time
resources
cost
likely impact
level of commitment
Top Tip: One option is not a choice, two is a dilemma, three or more options often creates a sense of freedom and energy.
Having developed the options – choose a way forward. This calls on decision making skills, prioritising and ensuring shared commitment.
6. Change
This is the action stage. Agree what will happen next that all parties are committed to. All change comes at some kind of cost – and even doing nothing is a choice and has consequences.
So many people are brilliant at this phase, the number of approaches to project planning, action planning, managing the doing, are built into so many enterprises. The risk is that people start doing this phase without the earlier ones – because we know how to, and that leads to recurring patterns of failure, lack of commitment, the same solutions with new names, and solving a problem we don’t actually have.
Top Tip: A conversation without action can leave people feeling unresolved.
7. Closure
Closure is about ending well.
This might include:
summarising agreements
checking understanding
agreeing review points
simply saying thank you
Example
Suzy: Shall we review after the session to see how it went?
Helen: Yes, good idea.
Suzy: Thanks for talking this through - I feel much clearer.
Helen: Me too. I’m glad we spoke.
Closure helps people leave with clarity and connection.
Final Thoughts
Difficult conversations are rarely easy. But with the right structure, they can become moments of honesty, repair and progress rather than conflict and regret.
The Seven Stage Model offers a simple way to move from avoidance to action - and from tension to successful application.
So next time your heart sinks and you feel tempted to avoid that conversation…
Pause.
Breathe.
Slow down.
And remember:
Connection first.
Clarity next.
Then courage with skill.
If you’d like to explore the skills behind the Seven Stage Model in more depth, we’d love to hear from you.
Our RAW (Resilience, Adaptability and Wellbeing) Team offer practical ways to turn awareness into lasting change - from workshops and coaching to organisation-wide wellbeing strategies. Learn more about our approach